Something that I’m currently working on…is putting everything I’ve got into providing opportunities and love and lessons to my child, while also balancing it with continuing to dream and wonder and strive for my own self. We all want the best for our children, or that’s what we say at least. What’s hard to focus on though, is the fact that they are watching what we’re doing, more than they’re hearing what we tell them.
Just like the best way to teach empathy to our children is to model empathy in front of them…the best way to teach doing is to actually model it. If you want your child to try hard and give their best effort, you can tell them how you want them to do that, and the benefits that come from it…or you can get 10x the results by exposing them to areas where you give your best effort…to show them how hard you really try in certain areas. Then, you can reflect on how maybe you were uncertain about how your work would pay off, how difficult it was at times, how you wanted to quit but didn’t for many reasons, how good you feel about yourself now, and how you can now be very proud about what you created through that hard work. Do you see the difference?
The modeling gives the child incredible context within the situation. It illustrates for them that ‘this is what we do’ as a family. It becomes contagious to do, to execute. It becomes an expectation to follow your dreams. But not in a negative ‘you better do this or else’ way…it comes across as a message of ‘mom and dad want the best for themselves and for you. Let’s together, try to get that for each other!’
Consider the child that is only told that ‘the world is yours, you can do anything you set your mind to’. It’s really meaningless and holds no weight. They need to taste it…see it in action. They need examples, but not only from seemingly enigmatic figures like Lebron James and Taylor Swift. Those models are awesome too. But they need it in house, smaller scale, everyday…from mom and dad.
‘i want to be different. If everyone is wearing black, I want to be wearing red’ –
Maria Sharapova
A couple of months ago, I came to the realization that doing something you’ve never done…as consistently and often as possible…can be really healthy for you. It’s similar to my thinking around living ‘on the edge of comfort’. And it’s all about continually challenging ourselves, and putting ourselves in positions to earn grit, to try, to do…to learn.
As I was reading yesterday, I came to another realization. Yes, you can call it an ‘epiphany’ if that’s how you roll. The people that are getting the most out of life…that are the most fulfilled and content…are doing what most other people won’t do, or aren’t doing. The folks who are trendy, or first to the party. The ones that are different, but intriguing nonetheless (first time using ‘nonetheless’…nailed it!). There seems to be success and fulfillment in practicing the actions that most other people simply don’t. We should all be trying to be part of the 1% crowd!
e•piph•a•ny – a sudden, intuitive perception of, or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
Being a 1 percenter (financially) has it’s own inherent connotations. Some of us believe that those folks make too much money, and that they owe more of their fair share. Others of us think that they create opportunities for the 99 percenters, and that their trickle down effect is truly beneficial to us bottom dwellers.
But I’m not speaking on financial earnings. I’m talking about our actions…our choices and our experiences.
So many people I know have had the same haircut since high school! Switch it up a bit. Try a different you! Be the 1%
There isn’t much interest for me in playing in the middle…in doing what everyone else is doing…in doing ‘what I’m supposed to be doing’. It suffices to say that there is much more intrigue in living on the outer edges…the fringes. And I’d go as far to say that better health, contentment, ‘success’, fulfillment, and overall happiness are found in living in the 1%
Here is an image, full of generalities, that should help illustrate my feelings here:
Considering all of that, a 1%’er is a person who chooses to live life on their own terms. They will live and die on their own sword. Instead of life happening to them…they are making their life happen.
I challenge you to create your own 99% and 1% column chart. Right now…write down 5-10 things you do that most of the population does. Then, write down the things you do that only 1% does. Use it as your journal entry for the day. What can you take from your chart? What can you learn about yourself? Are you playing in the middle too much…where everyone else is? Or, are you hanging out within that extraordinary population enough of the time? And…what do you feel about your actions, considering what side their on? Do your 1% actions bring you joy, vibrancy, passion, and love? Do they put you around people that are good for you? I bet they do!
Please share your chart with me, or any feedback from this in the comments, or on my Facebook page. I’d love to hear some results, and learn more about this! Here are some of my own results:
Some of My 99% actions
watching too much tv – March Madness, Celtics basketball, and I’m currently binge watching Breaking Bad for the 3rd time…oops.
‘fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do’ – john mayer
fäT͟Hər: a man in relation to his natural child or children
Dear dad,
today is a celebration of you…of all the characteristics and actions you take on in your parental role. There is probably no greater responsibility in this world, so I hope you’ve taken the entire journey seriously. And even considering that I’m now 37 years old, your job isn’t done. You can’t retire from this one. I need more from you. I’m going to ask for more help and advice in the future…and your related position as a grandfather is just beginning.
Concord monitor photo – White Park – circa 1982 – fundamentals
Thinking of when you began the dad journey, I often wonder what you were thinking then…if you planned it out…how you anticipated the experience. Did you put money aside…try to work extra hours? Did you want a boy? Were you nervous as hell?
I know that when I found out I was going to become a dad, a sway of emotions overtook me. And I immediately came to, ‘ok, how the heck am I going to do this?’ I read some books, inquired with other parents, and planned out many ideas…like my daughter will only eat fully organic foods, mixed up in this trendy new blender, and…I will only put reusable diapers on my daughters bum, and…I need to open a bank account for Matilda’s college fund asap! However, I found that some of these efforts were unrealistic. Some too lofty. And some came from advice from parents who made a ton of mistakes themselves. In the end, we’re all ‘winging it’ as parents…doing the best we can…and practicing a lot of on-the-job training. No one knows all of the answers. And many of the answers work only for specific children, or at specific times. Therefore, we can all judge a little less harshly.
presence
So dad, whatever you did during that time? It’s great. You probably made some tough decisions and came through with some great execution. I thank you so much for that! You probably made a ton of mistakes too…and you know what? I forgive you for all of them. I mean, look how I turned out!
I believe it’s easy for parents to get caught up in the details of what they must do in order for their kids to be the best on the block. I find myself wrapped up in that all too often. But if we step back and take a more general perspective, understanding that parents are more than the sum of all of their parts, we can cherish dearly the fact that our simple ‘presence’ within our children’s lives is what can contribute to a successful cultivation, an overall healthier society, and a fulfilled ‘next’ generation.
Mom, Dad, and the Tilly Monster – this makes me happy
After all dad, I don’t remember you teaching me how to shave. I don’t think it was you who showed me how to tie a neck tie. And I’m not sure if you showed me how to tie my shoes with the one loop method or if that was someone else. But I can’t remember a time when you weren’t present in my life. You were always either there, or one simple thought away from being there. I’ve always known where you were…or at least thought I did. I can always think in my mind where you most likely are. That must be so significant! 37 years of that presence. That takes effort, and unconditional love, and careful attention. That describes effective communication, and respect, and integrity, and strong morals and values.
Matilda’s 2nd Easter…with her Grampathe next phase…grandparenting
Sometimes I wonder how I became a certain way, or came to understand something, or why I believe in particular ideas, or practice parenting how I do. I have to conclude that your presence has greatly contributed to that. And again, many of these things seem to have been passed down with no direct speaking of, no detailed lesson taught (even though there were those too). No, this feels more like a security that I was afforded and a comfort that I was allowed…in which I was able to grow and learn and start holding things as my own. Thank you.
I honestly do hope to be as good of a dad to Matilda as you’ve been to me. There will be so many things I do differently though, and I know that’s ok. I am trying to use that ‘presence’ though…and will continue. Time will tell!
your son,
Music: I love this song…and it does have some ‘Dad’ connections within it. Enjoy!
‘your life changes the moment you make a new, congruent, and committed decision’
-Tony Robbins
when the details on the surface are wiped away…what is left?
There are times in our life when we have to make a decision. We find ourselves standing at a crossroads with options in front of us. A typical crossroads would determine that we would have three options or choices. Picture driving up to an actual intersection of roads. It’s best to think of west. The desert, tumbleweed, cacti, cactuses? Both are accepted. This setting just feels more serene and secluded. And it’s just cool. No one is there to witness your decision. It is just you and this place and the road you choose. You can take a left, go straight, or take a right…3 choices. Maybe a good way to use this analogy would be to match up each choice of road with an answer to the question, ‘should I do this?’ Of course ‘this’ can fit whatever situation you may have in your life. With 3 choices of roads, road 1 is YES! Road 2 is NO! Road 3 is OTHER or MAYBE SO.
she could make a new road with this!
Road 1
I think whenever we are asking ourselves ‘should I do this’, it’s usually because we already have a hunch that we want to do it. ‘Go with your gut’, ‘follow your instincts’, ‘lead with your heart’, are all phrases that tell us we already know the answer. Yes is the answer. We know what we’d like to do, and deep down we know what we desire. However, before we commit ourselves to road 1, we are faced with obstacles like fear and insecurity that will ostensibly reveal that this decision was a bad choice. That’s terrible and very sad. I think everyone needs more of road 1 in their life. Be more of a ‘yes man’, and stop turning everything down. Embrace change and moving forward. Covet growth and the learning process, especially when you find yourself on the edge of comfort. Many of us talk about our passions and what we truly want to be doing. We describe it to others. We visualize it in vivid detail. We think about how it will all play out in the future. But then we don’t act. This is why some psychologists have found that we shouldn’t actually talk about our goals. By speaking about them, and receiving feedback from others, we actually feel a sense of accomplishment and we lose the passion, the edge, the motivation we once had. This has happened to me many times. It’s hard because we want to share our passion with others. We want to bounce ideas. Maybe we should just share the tip of the iceberg…or bounce one small ball to someone. Don’t spill it before acting on it. When is the best time to start acting on your passions? Right now. Immediately. The clock is ticking.
‘Do what you want’ sounds negative and detached but if I teach and use effective language, I can help Matilda hold onto ‘acting on her desires’. It’s really the same thing. When we’re young, it’s natural for us. But much like creativity, we tend to lose it along the road
Road 2
Being a ‘yes man’ and taking road 1 on your decisions can bring you places you never dreamed of. However, there are often times when we have to say ‘no’. Maybe you’re just done spending time with a certain person…maybe your schedule is full…maybe you’re just wiped out from being the challenges of parenting. All these are totally justifiable. I’ve learned that ‘no’ doesn’t have to be negative. If we communicate to others our feelings and/or reasons along with our ‘no’, we should be comfortable and content in our position to turn something down. Withing my business, I now notice myself saying ‘no’ more often. I always try to say ‘yes’ and take road 1 when people have requests. But for a variety of reasons, sometimes I turn things down. In the past, I felt guilty or insecure about this. But that doesn’t hold any weight. I tell myself that if I can’t commit wholeheartedly to this decision, it won’t work out for either party. Therefore, taking Road 2 can be understood as the best decision for all involved. Road 2 shouldn’t be as worn and trodden as road 1, but don’t be afraid to lay new tracks when warranted.
‘I’m not ready to be done Dad. I don’t want to leave yet’ is a phrase that I cherish and honor when I can. She’s taking Road 2, and saying ‘no’ to being done with something.
Road 3
Sometimes we can’t commit to a yes or no right now. We aren’t ready to. I actually use road 3 often. I’m not so great at deciding on things right away. I like to ruminate on the idea for a while…sleep on it in a sense. I have come to realize that spontaneity is powerful and rewarding, and have started implementing that more in my day to day. However, on some big decisions, I still hold value in deliberate consideration, weighing pros and cons over time and as I think of them, and documenting thoughts in a journal, before making a final choice. While mulling over an idea for a couple of days, an important variable will often arise that easily determines the outcome for me. It’s like a subtle, ‘did you consider this?’ And I will know right then and there whether it’s road 1 or 2 that I’m taking. Road 3 seems to be a loop around that brings you back to the same intersection later on. It allows some soul searching, some road tripping, and a few pit stops to get your bearings and reassess your current location/situation.
Maybe you have to let some time pass before you become close with that special someone. Perhaps you’re waiting for them to work something out on their end.
You may need to save some money up, or line up your budget differently first.
Maybe you feel overwhelmed and need to put a decision on the back burner until you feel more centered.
Decision making at the Scoop Deck
What would you choose? I go with something different every visit
Whatever it may be, we all have reasons to take road 3 at certain crossroads. As I spoke of in the Road 2 section…be confident and content with your choice to wait on the decision. It’s not a ‘non-decision’…it’s a decision to wait, and lock in to something when you are totally ready to do so. With the quick pace of our lives, I’m often telling Matilda, ‘let’s go, make a decision quickly!’ But I try to catch myself…thinking, ‘wait…she can have all the time she wants to make a decision’ (within reason!). I believe it will strengthen the ground she stands on, and empower her ability to make wise and timely decisions for the rest of her life.
Be aware of your surroundings when you come to a crossroads. Simply pay attention to your emotions and the physical changes taking place. Take a breath before accelerating down the next road. Remember, each and every even small decision will set your life onto a different path…possibly a different plane. So choose wisely! I wish you the best in your decision making!
The sun is on me…and it feels good.
Music: Kaleo is a band that started in Iceland. That might contribute to their unique sound. I often forget about them for a while, and then hear them on the radio. The sound is always intriguing…and since I don’t own any of their music, I always go home and put on some of their live stuff. Matilda and I caught them live at the Newburyport Riverfront Music Festival last year. They rock! Give this song a listen!
I must admit it…my house is a mess! And…I just cleaned up that area. How does it already look like a storm hit it?
I have to confess…I’ve started a thousand projects around here, and about 999 of them still seem ‘under construction’.
I should accept it. I have a problem. Actually many, but I’ll start with this one and see if I can find closure with it.
I peg myself as really good at coming up with ideas. I have journals and sheets and post it notes collected with a bunch of random ideas. These can be related to business, the house, relationships, professional development, investments, blah blah blah. Most of my ideas are bad. However, I believe that while coming up with many poor ideas…and documenting them…I’m bound to come up with a good one here and there. It’s almost like I come up with 99 bad ideas for every one diamond in the rough. It’s a low shooting percentage but hey, if you don’t shoot you can’t score.
Matilda comes up with the best ideas!
I do feel strongly about documenting by the way. If you don’t put your thoughts and ideas and goals down on paper, or somewhere digitally, they’ll just float around in your head, and possible float out of your head for good. Once you put them somewhere, you can make space in your head for developing that idea or adding interest to it…or coming up with another one. Find yourself a cool journal, even a good expensive one. It’s investing in your own brain/goals/ideas. And it will encourage you to put good use to it, and hold value in your own beliefs.
Closing the deal
So I’m good with all that stuff. My interests are many. I’m quick to jump into things and just try something. I love learning anything new. However…I’m not good with following the practice of the phrase, ‘Always Be Closing’. This phrase is from the 1992 drama film called Glengarry Glen Ross, in which the character played by Alec Baldwin encourages some of the other characters to close deals within their sales work. Watch out for bad language, but here is a great clip from the movie. Look…it’s a very shallow message in regards to simply making more money above all else, and disregarding things like being a good dad, or being kind. However, it struck a chord with me in how it can relate to the idea of completing something. And this is what I have trouble with. As I said, I can start a bunch of projects. But I never seem to finish many of them.
Finishing touches
This weekend, I had a task that I wanted to complete. The ramps in my landscape trailer have to be lifted in and mounted to the inside walls for transportation. Well, I’ve always had this crap system of a cheap eye-hook and bungee chords to hold them in place. Boring I know…bear with me. This system has bothered me for about 5 years. I can’t believe that! I’ve spoken about it, wrote down ideas, sworn at it many times…but never really done anything about it. Well on Saturday night and into Sunday morning, I came up with a plan, went to the hardware store for materials, and put in a new ramp mounting system. It was actually pretty easy! On Sunday, I found myself putting all of my tools back in their proper place, sweeping up the garage floor of all debris, and wiping down my workbench with a cleaner and paper towels. I suddenly thought, ‘Oh my…I’ve actually completed something, and I’m in the very final stage of cleaning up the mess associated with it. I never do this!’ I’m telling you…it felt so good. I immediately thought about ‘Always Be Closing’, and the benefits related to that. I thought about Casey Neistat, and how he has those words tattooed on his arm. He actually dedicated an entire Vlog to this idea. Watch it here!
harvesting is closing
Neistat says that if you start a bunch of things and don’t finish them, you’re a loser. That’s me…how sad. Someone who starts something and always finishes it is a closer. That’s not me. My new focus is to become more of a closer. I must bring my ideas to fruition…see them through to their fullest potential. I’m on it. By closing, and completing something, we are able to reap the rewards related to our project. After dealing with annoyance of the ramp system in my trailer for 5 years, and halfheartedly poking at it here and there with temporary repairs, no wonder I felt so good about putting smart and hard work to it and having it completed.
Finished a dance season…proud Dad!
Closing leads to you feeling much more productive.
Closing frees up space in your head for other, more important ideas.
Closing encourages intellect and hard work over complaining and hoping.
Closing leads to more appreciation instead of expectation.
Don’t be a loser…be a closer!
Organization
A.B.C. totally relates to keeping our lives organized too. This is an area that I struggle with, and one that I’ll be putting some more focus into. When you come home…with a bunch of things in your hands…maybe a bag or two…and pockets full of receipts and change and hair clips (for some reason, I always find myself here)…do you put everything away in it’s designated spot? What I usually do is pile it onto my dining room table. It’s flat, easy to access, and I won’t need the table until about 5:30pm. That’s not closing. That’s losing! The worst is when I’ve put together a nice dinner and I go to bring plates to the table for Matilda and I, to find my loser pile in the way. Worst!
I do have all of the designated places for things. I have a file cabinet with nicely labeled folders, a piggy bank in the living room, a cup in the bathroom for Matilda’s hair clips. I just don’t follow that step of putting things directly into their proper place. And this is key. If you hired someone to come ‘organize your house’ or your life, a main thread would be to immediately place things into their position. Put them in their home. Look at your computer desk, your kitchen counters, the desktop on your computer…even your email inbox. Are you organized? I’ve started trying to get to a totally empty email inbox as often as possible. This entails creating simple folders, unsubscribing from all of the crap, deleting as soon as possible, and once a day, taking care of pertinent messages. It relieves so much stress for me to have a clean slate. But I need to work on the more ‘physical’ areas of my life…and organize those. I want to finish more projects on my to do list…not just start them. I don’t want to be a loser anymore…I want to be a closer! Please comment if you’ve found effective ways of ‘closing’ in your own life.
thoughts are great…but action leads to closing!
Music: Blind Pilot is an Oregon based band. They use interesting instruments like a mountain dulcimer, vibraphone, and a harmonium. Here’s a great one called New York.
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