parenting

blip….blip

Posted on March 25, 2020March 25, 2020 by jimmy thorpe

There are certainly two ways to look at this situation. The first is through fearful and anxiety ridden eyes. It was that guy at the supermarket that looked at me as if I was one of the ‘infected’. No smile or salutation…just a hairy eyeball and a return to the mission at hand…toilet paper.

I get it. I understand the anxiety…of course. It’s natural, and so much change and adversity is upon us. The weight of it all can be too much to manage. But there is another way to look at this. Perhaps a perspective of optimism, gratitude, and cohesion are due.

I can’t think of another time when our world has been so united in our goals. The amount of ‘sharing’ that’s going on right now is unbelievable. It needs to be recognized. Scientists and governments around the world…typically hoarding and protecting information for themselves…are now communicating more than ever! Outside of that, people, businesses, non-profits, and the rest are sharing just as much. I’ve seen so much of people helping others in the past week…it’s been extraordinary.

Businesses aren’t simply grasping at customers who have gone home…they are connecting and collaborating…they are innovating and adapting to consumer needs and wants…they are helping others who need it more. Neighbors are checking on one another, delivering for others, communicating more. Families are uniting as well, and learning about each other like we never would have. How lucky are we?!

I spoke about this in a recent insta post @thorpe42:

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All too often, we lose sight of the most meaningful of things because we’re focused outward on side dishes.

That’s ok…it usually means times are good, and that we’re fortunate enough…fulfilled enough…to start reaching and discovering, tasting and trying.

This time can be seen as such a helpful reminder to value your core, the people close to you, and your home base.

Time with the kids, the sibs, the parents…your inner circle…is such a blessing.

‘But the kids are missing out on school and education!’

Honestly, this forced adversity that kids are going through right now…the necessity for them to be flexible and adapt…the time that kids (and parents) get to spend with family and their ability to learn about relatives and their own heritage, identity, self-awareness…the education they’ll obtain from this could be argued to be much more valuable than whatever was in the curriculum for the rest of the school year.

We will get through this…and look back on this time. We got this! It will be a blip on the radar. You get to choose how it will be remembered. I wish you the best…all love!

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Select-a-Size

Posted on March 24, 2020March 24, 2020 by jimmy thorpe

*This piece contains explicit language

He woke first in the cottage…the others still recuperating from yesterday’s movement and conversations. He had an idea to go grab some donuts at the infamous bakery nearby, and he romanticized a moment in his mind about his child and her cousins devouring their chosen flavor, while his sisters thanked him and looked at him admirably. Sometimes, he thought, you can get what you need from a moment simply by imagining it, and then consuming the accompanying emotions.

He decided not to go, and instead went to the small hallway bathroom to splash some cold water on the back of his neck and face. Wiping away yesterday seemed logical…practical even. And because he knew today would call for more demands, more love, more sacrifice and compromise, he understood the need for a fresh start.

Seagulls careened and cried over the cottage, and a young piping plover let out his first innocent and faint whistle. It barely registered. His feathered body neatly tucked and tufted. The man then made his way to the large kitchen, open to windows and a slider that invited in a view of the ocean. The sun hadn’t risen yet, but there was enough light for getting around effortlessly. He found the coffee that one of his sisters brought…chose a dark, south-american blend, and placed the small plastic cup that the grounds were housed in, into the high-tech machine that miraculously pokes a perfect hole in the top and bottom of the cup, and then cleverly streams already heated water through. He hated to see and process the brand name on the machine, and considered that it was too early for such commercial and consumer thought. He was still somewhat pure at this time. Still dis-infected. And it’s best to prolong such exposure indefinitely.

But as he pulled the handle of the machine toward himself, closing the hood and housing, and creating a locking ‘snap’ sound, as well as the puncture wound to the cup…there it was…proud and inevitable: Keurig. ‘Fuck you,’ he thought. Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose, as he had been instructed in the latest self-improvement book he was reading. You see, it’s tough when you take a thousand steps in what you think is the right direction, but then you realize that something so minute…something so very inconsequential…ironically has the ability to break you right back down to where you choose swears for the first spoken words of the day. This man never cursed. But this brown disposable cup, this shell of his body, this upcoming day, would sadly only get one shot…one walk through…before being consumed and disposed of…never thought of again.

Now…something was flashing. A searing, bright green light illuminating 3 buttons, demanding a decision. The man adjusted his glasses and reluctantly leaned forward to investigate. He found that in order for this machine to create the ideal individualized caffeinated beverage yet, he’d need to select a size, by pushing one of the representative selections. ‘Small, medium, or large,’ he thought as he took in the mini computerized illustrations of cups on each button. But as his index finger approached a choice, and hovered back and forth over the flashing lights, he gave up. It was too much, too early. ‘Jesus’, he said…letting out his second curse word before 5am. He lifted the handle on the machine, unlocking it and exposing the wounded cup. From the hole seeped out a small waft of south American notes: bright acidity, citrus, chocolate. It reached his olfactory senses almost instantly…and that would have to be sufficient. It was all he needed actually. To be taken somewhere…elsewhere.

He turned, and his gaze reached across the kitchen, cut through the bay window, and met some small cresting waves…the tips seeking the newly arriving sunlight on the horizon. The tide was coming in. The man thought that going out to see that, and allowing himself to be part of that, would be much more significant and meaningful than anything else in the world. It was the choice to make at this moment. He slowly labored across the cold, sand covered tiles of the cottage floor, cracked open the glass slider releasing the pressure from both sides, and emerged into his day.

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work/life balance

Posted on April 11, 2018December 13, 2018 by jimmy thorpe

‘…life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.’ – Ellen DeGeneres

I haven’t worked since December 1st. It’s about time to get back at it! Honestly, I’ve done a couple of things to earn money since then, but for the most part…I’ve been doing other things…things that don’t make me money…things that simply make me feel happy, content…fulfilled. And while the term ‘work/life balance’ has become overused and perhaps stigmatized, I still pay heavy attention to it, and feel that you should too!

For most of us, it’s simply expected that work at a job will take up the most amount of time in our lives…more than most of the other things we do. I came to realize that it’s highly beneficial to enjoy the work I’m doing, considering all of the time it takes up. I also figured out that self-employment can lead me to a place where I can work when I want to, and work how much I want to.

My previous career was teaching English, in which I worked a 190 per year schedule. I enjoyed the vacation weeks, and the summers off, but it always felt that the job was pulling, looming over me, causing me to still think and stress about it even when I wasn’t there. I had nightmares about lesson plans (this was early on in my career), and I felt this incredible guilt if I was ever too sick to work a day. I could never shut it off. This wasn’t the only reason I quit. There were many more, and you can read about some of it here.

Before leaving though, I had started a landscaping business called East Concord Grass Roots. It began as a way to make some more money in the summers after my daughter was born. But I began to enjoy the freedom and autonomy associated with running my own thing. I could choose the days I wanted to work. I could say, ‘no thank you’ to jobs I didn’t want to do. I could work an extra long day when it fit.

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What I eventually created though, was a schedule in which I was able to stay home with my daughter on Mondays and Wednesdays. I managed to get my work done on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. 3 days per week! Once in a while, I’ll work a weekend day, but it’s not that often. So from about April 1 to December 1 (which is 34 weeks), at 3 days per week on average…that’s 102 days per year. I’m really surprised with that! I just did the math for the first time right now…and can’t believe it!

Within those (let’s call it) 100 days per year, I’ve been able to make more money than when I was teaching. That was also a huge surprise to me, as I realized it soon after starting the business. Now, I certainly don’t make a lot of money, and live quite modestly. I have a small, old house. I drive an old car with 220,000 miles on it. But this is all part of the balance…the decisions…the work and the life. Taking both into heavy consideration, I’ve found a sweet spot for myself.

Early on in parenthood, I made the decision that I’d put in as much effort (quality and quantity time) as possible…especially in the younger, foundational years. I’m so happy and proud that I’ve been able to do that. And as I’ve aged, I’ve come to understand that I love to spend a lot time at home…reading, writing, cooking, creating, working on the house, etc. These last two winters have really proven to give me plenty of that. This previous winter was the first that I gave up snow plowing, as it was generally a source of stress and anxiety for me. I did have to make sacrifices to live more frugally through those months. But it was a deliberate decision, related to work/life balance, that I made in order to stay happier. I was able to read and write more than I ever have during that time, and now I truly feel ready to attack another Spring season.

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Work and leisure and family are all so particular depending on who I talk to. I’m not naive, thinking that anyone reading this should quit their job and start their own business. I will say though, that I don’t believe that most people give this idea the attention it deserves. I will also say that I see most people highly stressed by their job, and wonder if they consider the long term and far reaching effects of that…on their own body, life span…and on their children. I will ask if you’ve given thought to this question: Can you make enough money in 100 days per year as opposed to 260 days that most people work? Can you be happier doing so?

Many of us follow the routine, structure, and norms of the current society…and then find ourselves in situations where we ask how we got there. Maybe we find that we don’t enjoy being there. We want something else. I’m just writing this to let you know that if that’s you wondering…there are ways to figure it out. It’s worth your exploration. The variables of time and money will certainly run the gamut, depending on your family and the field you work in. But it’s easy to see, this at-bat that we have in life…this one chance that we get…isn’t about chasing a paycheck or ‘burning the wick at both ends’ because that’s what we’re ‘supposed’ to do. It’s about trying to achieve a rich and fulfilling period of time based on what it is that you want.

So what is that?

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Fictional case study #2 (Good guy Gary)

Posted on April 1, 2018April 1, 2018 by jimmy thorpe

‘the path to success is to take massive, determined actions’ – Tony Robbins

It is interesting that we often look outside of ourselves for direction and advice. We ask others what they would do. We actually value that advice more than we consider our very own. Most people are just built that way. And with today’s social media world, it’s all on display. We’re constantly evaluating our choices, actions, posts…by the amount of likes or type of comments we get. It’s harder to go truly insular these days, and stay discipline with your own feelings and opinions. But for the select few that can go there…and that can keep returning there…the payoff will be insane!

Take this fictional story as an example of that: Gary is a 41 year old good guy. He works for an HVAC (heating, ventilation, and air conditioning) company. He has a 5 year old daughter named Madison. Gary is divorced and has his own place.

He’s recently noticed that he’s about 30 pounds overweight. He feels strong from the work he does, but he hasn’t seen his own muscle definition since two years out of high school. He has that trendy new shape that’s now a popular hashtag on instagram…#dadbod. And even though that trend has made it seem more acceptable to wear the extra layer of blubber, he knows how much more attractive he’d be…how healthier he’d feel…if he lost the weight, or better yet…turned most if that weight into muscle!

Another thought that Gary has been having lately, is that he recognizes that he is modeling behavior for his daughter Madison. She soaks up everything at this young age, and is watching his every move. As she’s growing up, he’s having more and more conversations with her about healthy eating and exercise…but when Madison is at Mom’s house, Gary is eating chips on the couch. He isn’t practicing what he’s preaching. And deep down, he knows that he’s influencing his daughter. In some way, she’s going to inherently take on some of his practices. We are all ‘products of our environment’. Sure, there is the nature vs. nurture debate. But either way, we are shaped by what we come from. The apple still falls from the tree, regardless of how far it rolls away.

Gary hasn’t done much research on exercise. Like most of us, he hasn’t majored in exercise science…but he understands that some cardio, some strength training, and a lot of eating healthy is what will transform his body. And he wants to get to the gym…he just doesn’t know which one to go to. There’s Planet Fitness over here, Bikram Yoga over there, a power-lifting gym, a place that coaches olympic lifting…not to mention the 3 new crossfit gyms in town! bHe told himself (and his daughter) that one of his New Year’s resolutions was to get into better shape. But it’s mid March now, and he figures it’s too late to have a beach body ready for the summer. He might as well wait until Fall to start really making a push for the next summer.

As Gary starts thinking about it too much, you can see how he starts getting into trouble.

He’s also feeling a little insecure…not that he would come out and say that to anyone! When he was a kid, his dad taught him that men don’t show emotions or feelings like that. Most of Gary’s buddies though, belong to one of these local gyms, or at least play men’s league basketball once a week. Gary runs out of breath just going up a flight of stairs. He doesn’t want to have to start at square one at the gym, when everyone else is killing it. He’d be ‘that guy’…the one that can’t bench-press the big 45 pound weight plates…the one that’s sweating all over the elliptical machine after 5 minutes of use. He doesn’t want to be that guy. Actually, he doesn’t want others to see him as that guy. This is again, an example of how some of us let others control how we live (or don’t live) our lives.

And even though this isn’t something Gary would discuss with Madison, it’s somehow passed down to her anyway. Gary thinks he puts off an ‘I live on my terms’ vibe to his daughter…but the subconscious nuance to that is out of his control. The subtleties of his actions, of his reactions, of his initial responses to everyday occurrences…are unfortunately telling Madison, ‘our family doesn’t crush it. We worry some…about how we come across to others. We think and talk, more than we actually do.’ Gary could tell Madison how important it is to not worry about what others think, but his actions are creating 10x the results in the opposite direction. It isn’t even a contest.

/nuᐧance/ – a subtle difference in; shade of meaning, expression, or sound.

Another thought Gary has been having is about his gear. His running shoes are so old and dirty. He only has 2 or 3 pair of athletic shorts. His ipod is big and clunky and old and doesn’t hold a charge. He sees that everyone else has cool stuff! New compression shorts and pants, bright sneakers and socks, and that cool armband thing that conveniently holds a new ipod out of the way. And everyone pretty much only wears dryfit materials now, which Gary has none of. He thinks he’s going to look stupid…no matter what he does. He thinks he should probably stock up on some of this gear over time…then he’ll be ready for the gym.

On top of that, he knows the potato chips and chillaxing on the couch needs to change. He actually has some good ideas about eating healthy, but he thinks that he should finish up eating all of the junk in the house, as not to waste, then start getting healthier with his diet. Once he gets his diet right, then he’ll feel more ready to approach the gym.

Boy…some of us can see that Gary is soft…physically and mentally. He should just go! Who cares about all that stuff he’s worrying about?

On the other hand, some of us can truly identify with Gary. Sometimes it feels that we need to first take care of A, in order to feel comfortable trying B. And sometimes it seems that other people have all the right stuff. And we don’t. But that’s just a losing mentality.

By thinking too much…by wondering what ‘most others’ are doing…by giving energy to what other people might feel…Gary has already lost.

If he focused on doing, and just starting somehow…he’d be well on his way to ‘healthy Gary’, who would be (by the way), the absolute best role model for Madison.

At the first hint of a feeling that Gary had about being out of shape (that very day!), he should have laced up the old running shoes and gone out for a 5k run…no ipod necessary. Leaving from his house, taking it nice and slow, he could easily complete the 3.1 miles. Imagine the pride and sense of accomplishment after that! Then, he could have made stir fry vegetables and rice for dinner…with some yogurt (instead of ice-cream) for dessert.

Now picture Gary’s mindset the following morning…as opposed to all of that negative thinking he was doing in the other model. Imagine the effect and influence on Madison that next morning as they approach the day together. I wonder what different experiences they’d have. I wonder how much more she’d be exposed to in her childhood, going this route. And I wonder how much further Madison would reach into her own potential, living with a dad who creates action, instead of one who sits and worries.

I don’t think we understand this effect as well as we should. I know that I don’t myself. And I’m trying to be more aware of it every single day. It is very obvious that the far majority of us have wonderful intentions. We all, of course, want the best for our children. Gary wants Madison to be healthy…and wants her to know how to achieve and maintain that lifestyle. And deep down, we all believe that we’re teaching our children all about what is right and wrong. It’s worth considering though, that within that teaching, it’s much more effective to focus on doing…not on lecturing or thinking.

Thank you for reading!

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Fictional Case Study (julie’s jelly)

Posted on March 25, 2018March 25, 2018 by jimmy thorpe

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When we do more than we think (more actions with less pondering), we create the paths that we choose to walk down. We make our own life happen, the way we want it to…the way that is most tailored for who we are deep down to the core. We live, and die on our own sword.

Take this fictional story as an example: 33 year old mom of two boys, Julie…wants to start her own jelly business. She’s passionate about the strawberry jelly she makes at home. Her family loves it. She wants to start selling it online, to get it to as many folks as possible, and to create another stream of income for the family. Her job as an elementary school teacher doesn’t provide her with the income that she really desires.

Julie tells her coworker (John) about her business idea at lunch break. John says, ‘yeah that sounds fun, but I don’t think I’d ever buy jelly over the internet.’

Julie then tells her boss Stacey (the principal at her school), who she is really friendly with. Stacey says, ‘It’s a good idea, but I tried selling candles online….and it didn’t really amount to much. It’s harder than it looks.’

I hope you can identify with Julie. She is really passionate and interested in her idea, but the two people that she thought would encourage her the most to go do it…actually shot her idea down. Now, if Julie is thick-skinned, and loves a ‘chip on her shoulder’ attitude, she can use it to motivate her even more so. But most of us would start second guessing our idea, thinking, ‘maybe it is too hard to sell online…I’m not sure people will buy my jelly after all’. Before you know it, Julie has put the recipe, canning jars, and label maker in the back of the cabinet.

John and Stacey aren’t to blame for this. If we went back and told them how Julie felt after speaking to them, they’d probably say that they didn’t mean to deter her at all…she probably caught them at a tough time during the day…and they actually really believe in Julie’s business idea…of course she should do it! They were telling stories that they thought would be valuable to Julie, knowing what to expect when she does do it.

This story illustrates the fact that we often put our hopes and dreams in the hands of others. And we often choose people who aren’t necessarily ready to accept, and then motivate us in a way that’s tailor made for us. We’re actually expecting too much from others when we do that. We look to others (who aren’t even aware by the way) to inspire and motivate us…to encourage our ideas. That’s just a losing mentality.

I understand wanting to tell people what your up to. It’s realistic that we’re going to socialize and share what’s top of mind. But we need to be totally cognizant of what’s going on, in order to not get discouraged about our own ideas. We need to be the one in control.

If Julie is like most people, when her husband asks her about that business she wanted to start, she’ll now have excuses and blame to be placed…both of which have nothing to do with her own self. She may even start complaining more about her co-workers, and the fact that she doesn’t have enough money, and that the government makes it too hard to start businesses where she lives, and that learning to be tech savvy, and to figure out social media branding takes way too long and isn’t worth it.

Because of what someone else said, and how they seemed to feel about it, she now isn’t going to follow up on her idea. So sad! Do you see how Julie isn’t truly in control of her own life? She’s now dying on John and Stacey’s sword!

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What Julie could have done, had she considered doing more than thinking, is create an Etsy and Pinterest account and start tinkering with the sites, realizing which would be best for her. After a couple of hours, she’d be savvy enough to post simple pictures and text.

She could have brainstormed a simple and catchy business name, and created an interesting logo for her brand.

She might have researched prices and locations for strawberries and sugar, and jars and labels, in order to find the most affordable way of getting a jar totally ready for the market.

She could have created a Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat account for her jelly, so that she’d be able to get the attention of others with her brand.

She may have called 15 local food, garden, and furniture stores, asking if her jelly could be sold there.

She even could have started her own podcast…recording episodes mostly focused on everything jelly!

By the way, with today’s technology and opportunity, she could have done all of this on her laptop or phone while lying in bed wearing pajamas!

And I have a funny feeling that if she had done all of this, and then went and told her co-workers, it would be a totally different conversation and outcome. And even if the conversation was similar, the confidence and self-esteem Julie built up through her work, would allow her to smirk at the otherwise discouraging words said by John and Stacey.

This Julie isn’t complaining or blaming. She’s using all of her time and energy to do more. She’s putting it all into her jelly business. And guess who’s sword she’s living and dying on now? Her own sword.

As much as I don’t want her to die, let’s look at how that actually is a possibility:

If we have to guts to live a life on our own terms, we must consider the fact that we will die that way too. I respect and believe in that meritocracy all the way. We can’t have it one way, and not the other.

Look, Julie’s jelly might actually suck. Maybe her family is spitting it out, or passing it to the dog under the table, and they’re too nice to be honest with her about it. Julie could do all of this doing on the back of a crap product…and after the first round of sales, she’d die.

Or, maybe Julie isn’t kind. She doesn’t bring any value to the store owners that are carrying her product, she’s very hard to communicate with, and she doesn’t engage with any of her audience on the social media platforms. She’s going to die.

While the doing should be the baseline…the norm…other variables like quality, consistency, kindness, value, etc. will certainly play their part.

But remember, it feels so much better to die on your own sword than someone else’s. As you can see, all of the blaming and responsibility come back to you when you put this into practice. If your product didn’t work out how you anticipated that it would, it’s because of your own actions, or lack thereof. This shouldering of all of the responsibility is actually liberating, though it seems more like pressure. Again, along with the control or autonomy you desire to have your own business or live your own life…you must accept the meritocracy…and the fact that it all comes back to you, good or bad. Ultimate responsibility…ultimate freedom.

Now, if Julie’s jelly really does suck…all of that doing, experimenting, executing that she did, provided her with a foundation of data to sit on. All of the confidence and self-esteem and pride she has built up through the work, allows her a framework to adjust from. Look, businesses mostly don’t get it right the first time. Great businesses listen to the market, and adjust accordingly. Julie may need to change the recipe, the label, the jar. She may need to adjust her attitude, her kindness level, her methods of communication. This is where we either fail and we’re done (we die on our own sword)…or we fail, learn, adjust, try (wield our sword again), and then win!

To Do more than you think, means that you’re the one in control of your own destiny. You’re wielding your own sword. Your life isn’t happening to you…YOU are making your own life happen!

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Now, sharpen up that sword…and get out there!

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