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Not in my locker room

Posted on by jimmy thorpe

‘If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people’

– Woolf

originally published on March 10, 2017.

Two days ago, on March 8, we celebrated International Women’s Day.  It spurred up a lot of appreciation I have for all of the women in my life.  I thought back to the great grandmothers and grandmothers I used to have in my life.  They were all so awesome and admirable, and provided such valuable insights.  Their lives seemed to span such wide timelines and generations, soaking up all of the wisdom and knowledge from wherever they roamed.  Just looking at them, you could see that they were ‘holders’ of all that information…like ancient stones among us, that have rolled a little bit of everywhere. And like the trunks of trees, sturdy and unwavering, while the rest of us stemming from them, sway and swerve up in the wind. They maintained such a stoic and solid form, but now I recognize that they also put up with more stuff than warranted, and were just able to maintain that loving, caring, gentle ‘Grammy’ status when I was around. I miss them.

I’m also so lucky to have such a great mom that lives nearby, and 4 sisters that I appreciate.  I remember growing up…dad would be at work…and I’d look around thinking, really?  All these girls around?  I can’t watch another dance recital of my younger sisters on VHS.  I can’t pretend I’m in the band Heart anymore with my older sister.  I wish I had all brothers!  Well, that was just a short phase sis’s, and I can’t be more grateful to have gone through all that.  It has provided a wonderful foundation…a unique perspective…and a specific tide that has carried me through to today.  

Right before my daughter was born, I remember some folks asking if I was hoping for a boy…if I was looking forward to playing catch with him…teaching him basketball (the sport that has been central to my life since college).  While all those experiences sounded great, I never really had that urge, and at the time I didn’t know why.  I could tell that many dads to be, or new dads…were really into that, and couldn’t wait to have a junior around.  And I don’t think I ever voiced that I wanted a girl over a boy, or even articulated that in my thoughts.  It was more of a subtle pull, and maybe a feeling that I’d be better prepared for a girl.  Not sure why at that moment it wasn’t completely clear that growing up with four sisters might help when having a daughter.  But it did.  And when I found out ‘it’s a girl’, I felt like Poppy when it’s HUG TIME!  

Having a daughter has led me to consider new ideas, and think about equality within the sexes.  Should my daughter have the same opportunities as boys her age?  Should she be able to make the same amount of money for the same job that a male works?  Should she be comfortable and free to be strong, outspoken, or even radical?  Damn right she should.  Go do it girl!

Matilda…working on her L’s…for ‘radicaL’

This week, I heard a woman speaking of the ‘locker room talk’ subject that was such a focus during this past year’s election.  I have to say this…when that term was used, I (being a man) felt generalized…grouped into this stereotype of all men that talk about women like that to other men…in areas like locker rooms.  Since then, I haven’t heard any guy dispute that.  I have not gone looking online.  I’m sure those guys are out there.  I forgot about it for a while, but then hearing it again this week gave me the nudge to finally get it out.  

We don’t all talk like that. Guys don’t just leisurely use that language when women aren’t around…at least guys that are in my circle.  Of course different social environments bring out a variety within our language.  Just as I remember speaking differently when walking in to Grammy’s house.  But I just have to speak for myself here…and make it clear that I’m not in that group.  I don’t talk like that…and that doesn’t happen here.  Not in my locker room.

By the way, I have some reading recommendations for this topic.  Last year, I read ‘We should all be Feminists’, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.  It’s a great essay, directly calling to keep feminism alive, and recognize the injustices in our current landscape.  A couple of weeks ago, I read ‘Men explain things to me’, by Rebecca Solnit.  This is a collection of 7 essays, some of them full of hard to read statistics…and all of them helpful in understanding gender inequalities.   

Part 2:

On a lighter note, if I had a locker room…music would be there.  Music has been a huge part of my every day in the past year or so.  For some reason, I had put it away for a while.  It was something for the car, or for exercise, or mowing the lawn. But it wasn’t a focus.  More recently, I’ve been exploring music, learning about, diving in, looking for connections, trying to play it myself, finding more emotional responses, and constantly searching for artists to appreciate more of.  It’s opened up a whole new world for me and I can’t get enough.  Click HERE to listen to an artist that I think has ‘it’.  

What do I mean by ‘it’?  What does Shakey have that others don’t?  What comes to mind for me is the ability to convey the original message or thoughts into the final product.  In other words, an artist has ideas, thoughts and feelings and creates something related to that.  However, sometimes with the tools at hand (voice, guitar, paintbrush, camera, etc.), that message may change…may be lost in translation.  And the final product, presented as a song, a poem, a painting…may not get at the original scope.  In this song…this performance…I feel that everything is brought out.  The sounds and words feel sifted through the artists own strainer.  Filtered and processed with all the right tools, at the right pace, and with all the perspective that only this artist can provide.

Maybe it’s just an authenticity that I recognize, or a genuineness felt.  My words are what I feel about the art…but I cannot know the artists true desire or goals for a piece.  When I was younger, I used to try to ‘figure out’ a lot of songs, and always wondered, what are they really saying here, what are they going through that made them create this, who is this meant for???  What I’ve come to realize, and what I really love about art though, is that it’s all about how it makes me feel.  It’s that simple.  I think the art is simply what the artist was feeling at that given moment.  Song lyrics aren’t all true or real life, they’re not all attached to one person, and I don’t think it’s fair for the observer to determine the original meaning of the piece. We can only guess. I’ve found a much deeper connection by simply trying to ‘feel’ a song or a painting, not trying to necessarily define it.  

Anyway, I hope you feel it like I do!

37

Posted on by jimmy thorpe

originally published on February 24, 2017.

 

‘With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come’ -Shakespeare

Today is my birthday.  I am 37 years old.  Let me repeat so that it I can let it sink in some more…Today, I am 37 years old.

I’m writing today, simply because I feel the urge to.  I have been feeling this for a while now. It has led me to write some songs, put notes down in journals, and to create many ‘ideas’ in my head.  These ideas are simple thoughts and concepts…every day occurrences that linger longer than I would expect.  Maybe they are experiences that I initially feel are unique.  But over time I realize they are somewhat arbitrary, probably common, but intriguing to me nonetheless.  They seem to be connective in nature, and hopefully beneficial for myself and others to reflect on. 

You see, as the numbers in the label of my age get higher in value (and as my mom always say’s, I still feel very young) something has crept in.  It’s a subtle and slow effect happening, a compounding of occurrences, a collection of pictures or songs in my head, a thread of themes being woven, and a group of people in the mass that I’ve been lucky to meet.

Every so often, a moment arises when I think, oh…that’s why that person came into my life…and that’s why I read that book then…and that song is attached to that memory…that is why I had to struggle and find hardship there…and that person was beautiful, but couldn’t remain in my life…and I’m grateful for that…and around that time, I found those amazing coconut macaroons at that hip coffee shop with all those great smells!

Breathe.

Reflecting on all of this, I’m so proud to have this awareness and acceptance.  And I’ve found it through others.  Every person I’ve met…I can think back to something they’ve said, or a look they gave, or even a harsh reality they presented that I didn’t appreciate at the time. Today, I’m saying thank you for all of that.

More recently, I’ve been reading a lot.  Everyone should do this.  It’s strengthened the webs that were formed in my life – into cables that can’t be broke (referring to the old Spanish proverb that applies to habits).  I appreciate all of the writers, and then all of the musicians, artists, and other ‘creators’ for the bravery of putting it out there…for letting it go…letting it be ‘ours’…and for sharing what was once only yours.

At this moment, I am not entirely sure why I’m sharing this small piece of writing.  In a way, it feels a bit presumptuous.  And who am I to share what was once only a tide of mine?  This is where I respect that bravery of what others have done.

On the other hand, today is my birthday, an anniversary of the day I was born…the day my collection began, and the day the first webs began to spool in and out.  

I am so entirely sure of why I’m sharing this!

Everything and everyone in my life up to this moment has led me to this.  It’s not on me…it’s on you!

So thank you.  

Make sure to be aware of your ‘threads’…your webs…your coconut macaroons.  

I’ve found it to be…tasty.

james

sandwiches and kids

Posted on by jimmy thorpe

Jimmy 12

 

‘modeling good behavior has 10x the influence of all that talking, the kids are watching’   emailsig

 

How do we make good behaviors stick with our children?  I’ve been ‘head down’ focused on this a lot lately.  I have a 4 year old.  There are constantly new behaviors bubbling up…good and bad.  I’m doing my best to be really aware…noticing what’s working, and what’s not on the parenting front.

 

Model.  First and foremost, I’ll say that I continue to be amazed at how much my daughter notices my behavior…and how important it is for me to model the good stuff.  All the research backs this up as well.  Your child is watching what you do more than listening to what you say.

To me, it seems that modeling good behavior has 10x the influence of all that talking.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m communicating and explaining and clarifying all the time.  It’s just that the old adage, ‘actions speak louder than words’ is the truth.  We can’t tell our child to walk away from a fight if they watch us bump chests and instigate.

Honey over Vinegar. When we do talk, it’s so important to focus on our children’s strengths…not their weaknesses.  All too often, parents are hounding on the mistakes, over-talking the accidents, and holding their child back from their full potential.  For the most part, once an individual knows that a mistake was made, and the message to ‘try not to do that again’ is conveyed…all the extra, negative reinforcement is just that.  Obviously, each situation is unique, and the severity of the behavior needs to be considered.  For the everyday ‘small stuff’ though, keep the glass half full.

Focusing on the good behaviors, has such a refreshing and compounding effect.  By taking the extra time to really look your child in the eyeballs, and tell them again how kind and caring that desired behavior was,  you’ll continue to invite more of it.

Last week, my daughter exhibited some really good awareness and empathy surrounding a best friend that was having some trouble.  She actually asked a separate friend to run and get something that would help the situation…then, they all figured it out together.  I was so happy and proud about this, and almost couldn’t believe that my 4 year old constructed this.  But instead of just thinking about this, or telling my peers, I’ve deliberately paused with Matilda, grabbed her attention, looked her in the eye, and explained how and why that was such a great thing for her to do.  I’ve actually done it twice to really let her know that this is the good stuff.

Sandwiching.  While focusing on the strengths and good behaviors, we can really make it stick by ‘sandwiching’ the experience with pre-teaching and reflection.  Before our child is exposed to something, it’s good to get a bug in their ear first.  This can give that little message that, ‘oh…dad told me that this might happen.’  It doesn’t necessarily mean that our child won’t make a mistake.  In fact, we actually want them to make the mistake…it will help expedite the learning process and mitigate the effect of the ego. Yes!  I used ‘expedite’ and ‘mitigate’ in the same sentence!  So rewarding.

Our pre-teaching is also a trust-building practice, illustrating to our children that we do know a little something, and have been around the block a few times.

Now, this behavior that took place with my daughter wasn’t something that I necessarily could have planned for.  I mean, I do talk about empathy and kindness with her, but the actual details of the event were too particular to pre-teach.  I have to give myself some credit though, in that I have put effort into conversations surrounding helping others, and why that matters.

I think parents are too hard on themselves.  I think they need to realize that they are much more than the sum of their parts.

With a more typical experience approaching in the future, parents can really hone in on the related behaviors.

If a best friend is coming over for a play date, we can relay the message to our child that the friend will want to use all of the toys.  Sharing is going to come up.  Let’s do that…huh?

Then, as we all know, our child will rip something from their besties’ innocent little paws.  Crying and arguing may commence…and we should really do our best to let this play out…to see what kind of results are reached…to allow problems to be solved.  This is the socialization that we’re hoping for.  And boy, will these same issues come up more and more as they age.  Let them work it out if possible!  It’s ok if feelings get hurt…we learn a lot when we find ourselves in unwanted emotional states.  Again, this is within reason.

Remember though, we have to use the ‘reflection’ piece after the experience takes place.  This can’t be while your kid is on the tablet, or watching a show  It can’t be during the actual argument that they just had with their friend either.  This is best done after some time has passed, once the friend has gone home…or during a break in the action.

Eye contact is key.  Deliberate, honest words presented with love and care.  Not judgment and belittlement.  Think support and education and growth…not placement and insults and punishment.

There can be an ‘I told you so’ aspect to this reflection piece, because you actually did tell them so in the pre-teaching phase…ugh, the nerve!  As much as you may want to use this…don’t.  The lesson will naturally come to them through your discussion of what transpired.  This reflection can build trust as well, depending on how you handle it.  Let it be positive, bucket filling, and hold good karma.  It’s not measurable, and it may return in unforeseen manifestations…but boy, does it matter.

Remember, after all this talking to your kid about the practice of letting others use their stuff, your child will be 10x more influenced by how you yourself actually share and help others.

How are you doing with that?

All love!

Jimmy Thorpe

emailsig

3 ways to kill a bug

Posted on by jimmy thorpe

originally published on 3/3/17

 

 

‘We learn best at the edge of comfort’

emailsig

That bug that’s out there…the one that’s going around?  It somehow found it’s way into our house.  Maybe it crawled down the chimney.  Or perhaps around a window that was flashed incorrectly.

Symptoms (in order of appearance):  headache, sore throat, fever, chills, body aches, cough, wheezing, stuffy/runny nose, belly ache, throwing up.  These are what Matilda (my 4-year-old daughter) has been dealing with since last week.  On her second day in, I started in with the same symptoms.  Because it was so prevalent in our week, I figured I’d write about it, in hopes of tuning in to what’s going on.

In a way, I wish meteorologists and doctors would convene and create a radar…a doppler of sorts, in which we could see colds, flus, viruses, etc. approaching with real time data. Severity of sickness could be articulated through saturation of color.  With luck, we could have Al Kaprilian warning us of an amplitudinal viral jet stream, approaching from the west.  We’d have time to check our medicine cabinets and make a vegetable soup.  Click HERE for a little fun with Al.

We all handle being under the weather a little differently.  I’ve been told by many females however, that men are total wimps when it comes to being sick.  At the first sign of a scratchy throat, men are all…can you get me the Nyquil babe…is that Tiger Balm still in there…can you rub it on my chest…and compresses and humidifiers and can you just take care of the kids for a while and thermometers and pseudoephedrine and if I just lay and watch this game I’ll probably get better sooner and tissues everywhere and annoying salt water gargling and snorting and clearing of throats that is all completely unnecessary.

My sister was telling me about a great line she noticed online stating that ‘during labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever.’

While I like to think that I go unphased when the bug comes around, and keep checking off items on the to-do list even when the coughs commence, I am more likely very affected by illness, and possibly play the part of a wimp.  I have found some ways to cope though, and I hope they help you!  Here are 3 ways to kill a bug:

 

  • Acknowledgment/Awareness – My mom used to say if you pretend you’re not sick, you won’t be.  While I believe in mind over matter in some instances (more on that in #2), this one hasn’t worked for me.  I’ve found though, that an initial lowering of expectations for myself is healthy.  I can’t just power through.  With age comes a better understanding of our own boundaries and limitations, the ability to say ‘no’ when needed, and a self-awareness that connects us to the ebb and flow present in all of the natural world.  There will always be suffering and prosperity…storms and sun…strep and a clean bill of health.  Too often, we live with a desire for a life free from suffering.  When we hit a wall or find a bug though (which will happen), we define it as a failure, or as ‘unsuccessful’, and discover negative emotions threaded there.  In that world, success…and everything desired…is fleeting.  Intangible.  I’ve found that an acknowledgment and acceptance of all the good and bad unlocks doors to rooms, all containing joy and happiness.  Mindfulness and meditation are probably the most effective keys for those locks.
  • Nip it in the bud – When I was teaching, I once had this hilarious student.  He pulled out a huge tomato in class and started eating it like an apple.  I thought he was putting on another show, and I asked ‘what are you doing?’  He said his mom told him that eating tomatoes at the start of a cold will stop it in its tracks.  She packed him 3 massive heirlooms for the day.  Just 3 tomatoes.  So while juice and seeds spewed across the classroom, he held the biggest tomato eating grin on his face…and he was fine!  It’s science.  Actually, I believe science has proven that zinc, taken at the onset, can shorten the common cold.  But you’ll have to look that up on the world wide interwebs.  This is where I believe in mind over matter though.  Whatever you do, do it early, and commit to believing in it, even if your significant other thinks you’re ridiculous.  Down your excessive amount of vitamin C.  Pop those echinacea pills.  Teachers…turn your Airborne tablets to fizz, and tap dance into your classroom.  This is simply a habit that you’ll form…a commitment to a routine that, in your mind, is helpful and productive.  You may even be able to convince others that your crazy concoction is the elixir of life.
  • TLC – If you listen to the song ‘Waterfalls’ by the group TLC during sickness, you will greatly… You didn’t honestly fall for that did you???  Please tell me you did.  It will make my day!  This one isn’t for your ‘self’…it’s for others. TLC stands for tender loving care, for all you cold-hearted curmudgeons out there.  When someone around you isn’t feeling 100, take it down a notch, provide a softer shoulder, be careful (that’s ‘full of care’), be mindful, and generous.  It will come back to you in unforeseeable manifestations.  As a dad, one of the most fulfilling responsibilities for me has been taking care of Matilda when she’s needy.  I love being attentive and able to sooth and comfort when I can.  I feel very fortunate and grateful for that.  Having one child has allowed me to be more present.  Knowing my own abilities, I wouldn’t be as effective with more children.  I have a great appreciation and respect for you parents with multiple children.  When I feel overwhelmed, I sometimes think of some of you, and find inspiration there.

 

When the bug gets in our houses…when we have what’s ‘going around’, we can learn much about ourselves and others.  We can find teachable moments for our children…with limits and boundaries…with pain and acceptance…with a tissue over a sleeve.

A college professor once told me we learn best when at the edge of comfort, and that I should try to find contentment there…and sit there often. I can’t thank that professor enough for this. That edge of comfort is a place where our needs are met, but where we are frequently challenged.

Let us all walk that edge carefully, holding the hands of our children, being deliberate and delicate with every step.

All Love!

FinalSignature

In response to Case #4-18 Concord, NH

Posted on by jimmy thorpe

I love the idea of renewable energy, whether it be solar, wind, geothermal, and the rest.  I pride myself on being mindful and respecting the resources available to me, my property, and the land in my close proximity.  But when I read a letter from my municipal zoning board of adjustment notifying me that a privately owned solar facility is requesting variances to allow a 54 acre, 10-mega-watt solar farm directly across the street form my house, I knew I had some thinking to do.

When I purchased my property and house, what drew me to it most was the expansive and open feel to the entire dead-end street that it rests on.  The (RO) Residential Open Space District is exactly what I was looking for, and I purchased with that in mind.  I made a choice.  By disregarding the current zoning and bylaws, my choice would be taken away.  A change to the variances surrounding me will fundamentally shift my experience with the land and the property I fell in love with.  I cherish where I live and do not want to leave.  Ironically though, if I did want to up and leave to find a new place, I’d be hard pressed to find someone who wants to live within a commercial/industrial setting, with 54 acres of solar panels as the view from their front porch.  The value of the surrounding properties (financial, emotional, intrinsic, etc.) will certainly be reduced because of this project.

The variance that concerns lot coverage within a Residential Open area specifies no more than a 10% coverage of the lot…this is for good reason.  If we consider the entire drip edge of the solar panels, that 10% coverage is far exceeded.  And by the way…we must consider the entire drip edge.  With this in mind, the natural sunlight will not be able to reach the ground underneath the panels.  The rain that falls won’t find a natural and even broadcast to the land…it will now be directed to the lowest slope of each panel, resulting in erosion of the land…land that is, by the way, already considered a flood plain for the Merrimack River.  Directly across the street from my house, on the proposed land, there is a 10-15 foot drop into the flood plain.  The idea of a commercial installation of solar panels, regardless of how green the resulting energy remains, is undermining the natural shaping and shifting our land and waterways (in accordance with each other) have been slowly making over thousands of years.  Let us not take this lightly.

Concord, NH is so unique…in that it offers an attractive and vibrant downtown setting in balance with beautiful, open and expansive rural outskirts.  Many Concord citizens have been stunned visiting my property, stating, ‘I never knew this was in Concord.  This land is amazing!  It’s so quiet and natural here.’  An unattractive, industrial eyesore, changes the entire face of the landscape on this pastoral, agricultural, and residential road.  Therefore, the view and perspective of Concord citizens changes.  We won’t be happy with what we see, and conditionally, how we treat our town…how we speak to others about it.

I have a 4 year old daughter…Matilda.  She is everything to me.  She and I use our quiet, dead-end road daily…to pull sleds on, ride bikes, and walk the dog.  Our natural behaviors such as these will unfortunately change with such a drastic change to our setting.  More importantly, as our house sits close to the road, we would be spending a majority of our day within 100 feet of this 10-megawatt solar farm.  I can not allow my daughter to be exposed to the electromagnetic energy surrounding a massive industrial installation like this.  On top of that, the radiation generated by the conversion of energy is not something I’m willing to let us be so close to.  There have not been long term studies and research done related to humans living in such close proximity to such immense and concentrated solar energy systems like this.  I won’t be able to sleep at night, knowing I allowed Matilda (a 4 year old, still in the early stages of development) and I to be the guinea pigs of such exposure.  ‘Matilda?  This is Dad telling you I love you more than anything.  I want nothing but good health and opportunities for you.  And I’m doing my best to allow for that…and protect us from this project!’  Should I plan on recording our day-to-day health, writing down any symptoms that we notice in the future, and wonder if they’re related to concentrated energy fields in close proximity to our home?  No, as a Concord resident and taxpayer, no…as a mindful father…no, I shouldn’t have to worry about that.  I truly hope you board members, you…that will be deciding the future of this case…will try to grasp onto, and understand the scope of what I just said.

As I stated at the onset, I believe in green energy.  This municipality should be considering long-term, sustainable ways to make progress within our town, and allow for the safest and most fulfilling civic engagement and appreciation possible.  This proposed case…this enormous and imposing, 54 acre, 10-megawatt, industrial installation falls far short of that delineation.

Thank you for your consideration!