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Being really successful within one single element is good…until it’s not anymore.  Being totally committed to crushing it at work is awesome…until it starts to weigh on the family.  Heavily relying on your partner can feel good to the both of you…until it doesn’t anymore. Becoming a valuable and contributing individual within society calls for a good amount of balance.  It actually demands attention in a wide variety of areas. As we’ve become more and more sophisticated over time, we’ve broadened the scope and focus of individuals. We’ve developed a multitude of areas to become sophisticated within.  And we’ve raised the bar over time, putting pressure on humans to grow and to contribute within that greater expanse.

I remember the feeling, as a young, insecure, unbalanced high school aged kid.  I looked to some folks around me…the ones that were successful in one particular area.  Then, I’d see them making positive strides in another area. It made me bitter…and resentful.  I thought, they don’t deserve another boost.  That’s what I deserve.  I need that boost.’  But those folks did deserve it.  They had worked hard at moving the needle in a lot of areas within their life.  They had put effort into creating a well-balanced machine…and that provided them a prepared and opportune position to achieve competence in the subsequent arenas.  I saw it as luck…coming to those that didn’t need it. It was like the 1 percenters getting a tax break. Well, sitting around and thinking and complaining about what I deserve is just so unbecoming and gross.  

I wasn’t moving any of my needles in the right direction.  I didn’t create any balance. I was pushing most of them in the wrong direction.  And I certainly didn’t have one in particular that I could lean on.  I really see the significance of that now. I think of the quote that Jon Krakauer wrote in his Into the Wild book.  He said, ‘Happiness [is] only real when shared.’  This line reveals the necessity of balance in our lives as the social creatures that we are.  It says that achievement and success is a piece of your purpose.  It asks, ‘what else do you have going on?’  

I have a strong notion that we let too many pieces of ourselves go undeveloped.  We all contain multitudes of desire and ability. Biologically, we all have untapped segments of genes and parts of our brains.  The way to turn those on, is to put yourself in new experiences that were drawn out of you by intrigue and passion. Krakauer also wrote,

‘The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.’

To stay in your lane…to stay narrow…is to maintain instability.  To explore, find balance, and development within a variety of interests and structures…is homeostasis.  Don’t create a state of inertia for yourself. Keep moving as many needles as possible. Find a balance.

What will you leave for others when you are gone?  This is a truly meaningful question. I’ve spoken to a number of people about this, and I’m interested in the variety of perspectives I’ve heard.  Some think that it’s everything, and others think that your time here is what you get. Another way to think about legacy is…will people think about you when you’re gone?  And, how will they think about you?

I do want to leave a significant legacy.  And it really breaks down into two areas for me. Number 1… I want to somehow positively influence the people and world around me. And I want to do that for as long as possible. I take it on partly as a grateful gesture toward our ancestors.  Look what everyone before us has provided us with. This is part of their legacy. And boy are we fortunate to be in the situation we’re in now.  I also really subscribe to the philosophy that it’s my responsibility to move the world forward in a positive manner, in order to play my part in handing it off to the generations that follow.  It’s a deep purpose that contributes to the success of humans. Number 2…I want others (mostly within my family or others interested) to be able to access information about me. This does come back to having a positive influence on others, but also speaks to the ability to connect with those that came before us.  

 

I’ve done this in a previous piece of writing but feel it’s very effective:

Pop Quiz:

What was the name of your father’s grandfather (his dad’s dad)?

What was his profession?

What were his hobbies?

Where did he grow up?

What was the name of your mom’s grandmother (her mom’s mom)?

What was she interested in?

Where did she go to high school?

Where did she travel to?  

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you the answer of any of these.  Those people in my family, I’d say, didn’t leave much of a legacy.  I haven’t done a lot of digging either.  If I sat down with and asked my folks about it, they could certainly give me some more information.  Maybe we could look through scrapbooks some. I bet it would be hard though, to even find a picture. It would certainly be difficult to find childhood details about these great grandparents.  Well, I want my great, great grandchildren to have more information…to know more about what I was like…to realize where they get some of their mannerisms…and to be allowed an understanding of a deeper and wider, accessible connection to a history of folks before them.

Of course, technology has allowed this history to be more efficiently documented and collected.  Hopefully, all of our digital and electronic copies of pictures and videos and words and audio will still be here in a couple of hundred years.  

Strive for more legacy.  By proxy, you’ll create more fulfillment and success for yourself. You’ll also have more of an effect on others…even those others that haven’t even been thought of yet.

 

No matter what happened yesterday, whether it was a monumental set-back with chaos and betrayal…or a well deserved celebration after a sought after accomplishment…we must continue to make progress today.  Life goes on, with or without us.  And sure, we have our peaks and valleys along the way.  We have our noticeable touchstones, marking the path as we go.  But no matter where we are on that path…regardless of what level we’re on…it’s so important to consistently make an effort to try to make yourself better today than you were yesterday.  

I admire folks that achieve somewhat of an elite status early on in life.  What’s even more admirable though is when that achievement is done and complete, and they still find another way to make progress on the next day.  If you think of a star athlete that was the talk of the town. They made it to the big show, even before they turned 30. They conquered amazing feats of accomplishment and progressed up a meaningful hierarchy.  They achieved greatness. But now they’re 34 years old, and that is over. They are cut from the team. Their locker is taken by a 21 year old. They have to go home now.

You can see how some people in this situation would have such a hard time understanding how to make progress on the next day.  Some of their efforts would seem futile in the shadow of what they’ve already achieved. ‘Why try to make progress in this smaller scale arena?’ they might be thinking.  ‘It will never add up to the influence, the status, the level that I had in my past.’ Can this individual be better than the person that they were yesterday? The answer is Yes.  However, they must adapt, redefine their scope, reevaluate their perspective, create new goals, understand their position…and play it accordingly.

Everyone has to do this at one point or another in their lives, even if they weren’t an all-star athlete.  A child is born, a job is lost, a partner is found, a death in the family…we all can identify with the dynamic patterns of our experience in the world.  Tomorrow may not feel like today. But in the face of that, we benefit from the continued effort.

Trying to make progress in your life creates wondrous meaning and purpose.  It creates happiness too! But to plug in and connect to the ongoing innovation and growth of the human experience, and be a part of millions of years of history…creates something deeper than happiness.  We become more tied in to our biological urges to explore, find meaning, connect, and progress. And…it’s a level playing field. We all have the opportunity to do this. Everyone wakes up tomorrow morning and gets a chance to improve, to contribute, to adapt.  There are of course external circumstances that may affect your ability to do so. Don’t focus on those. Don’t use them as excuses. That’s what they want. That’s what your competitors want. That doesn’t help.

I don’t have enough money to make progress.

The government is making it hard for me to progress.

My family doesn’t help my situation in making progress.

My community puts a damper on my progress.

The schools aren’t facilitating my kids ability to make progress.

The way I was brought up doesn’t lend itself to making progress.

There’s nothing around here worthy of progress.

People don’t care if I make progress.

My boss hinders my progress.

It hurts to make progress.

My geographic location seems to block my progress.

People will judge me more harshly if I make progress.

I’ll have more responsibility if I make progress.

I already made enough progress.

These are all realistic and viable reasons why you can’t or shouldn’t try.  It’s interesting though, that we as people are capable of overcoming the most adverse of circumstances. You have the amazing ability to look at all these barriers, daunting as they may be, give a smirk to them, and crush them all.  Even considering the idea that ‘life is suffering’, you have the uncanny potential to thrive in the face of that. It’s progress that will lead you and those around you out of the storm.

 

Money can buy happiness to the extent of basically getting the bills paid for.  All of the research shows this to be true. As long as you can afford a basic standard of living…you can pay the mortgage or rent…you can pay to get the car fixed when it breaks down…you can comfortably keep the lights on…any extra money after that doesn’t seem to make people happier.  It seems that many people don’t identify with this though. Most of us want more.  

That is really good in a way.  People are thinking about their future.  They know that putting $100 a month…or even a week away for savings, just isn’t going to cut it come retirement age.  I calculated how much money I’d need at retirement (age 65) to carry me through age 90, if I consider the bills I’ll have, the standard of living, and inflation.  It’s about $1,000,000. That’s a million! I better visit my financial adviser soon, and adjust how much I’m contributing now!

By the way, I highly recommend putting some energy and thought into this.  Especially if you are self-employed…or don’t have a retirement plan through your job.  The earlier you start putting some away (even if it’s just a bit), the better. If you need a recommendation for someone to help you with this, send me a message.  You don’t want to be 55 years old, wondering why you haven’t started at least something. Start now.

I’ve never been truly driven by money that much.  I might have said differently, especially at different times in my life.  I remember thinking that I need  to have a lot more money at times.  But when I look at my actual behavior, it says that it doesn’t matter to me much.  If you’re wondering what some things are that you actually believe in…instead of sitting and thinking (which can be helpful too), try standing back and looking at your behavior.  As an individual, you tend to ‘do’ what you believe in.  We often think that we start with a belief and then we act it out.  But it’s almost always that we start with behavior…and we grow our philosophies and beliefs out of those actions.  Think about how that may be true in your life.

Anyway, I’ve never been driven to find a high paying job.  I’ve never attempted to buy a high priced vehicle. My house is small and affordable.  And even though it’s the holiday season, and sometimes I have hopes to afford better or more gifts for others…I always seem to make it happen according to what I believe in.  I always feel comfortable in the gifts or love that I’m able to share. I never feel unable to provide what I want to for the holidays. I suppose if I wasn’t able to do that, I’d have to adjust.  

I do often think about my retirement amount.  That does weigh on me at times. I’m not currently putting enough away to represent what I need in the future.  So, I am trying to figure that out. I don’t believe in just sweeping that idea under the rug. It’s on my conscience, so I should be abiding by it.  I’ll continue to work at that. But I do have other priorities or values to consider. Sometimes I value things other than work…and feel very content about that.

For the past two years or so, while my daughter was in pre-school Tuesdays, Thursday, and Fridays, I chose to only work on those days.  I chose to stay with my daughter on Mondays and Wednesdays.  It was a prioritization. I certainly could have chose work, and a little more money, and less time with my daughter.  She could have gone to pre-school Monday through Friday. I was more happy and content though to hang with her. I did have to work a weekend day here or there to keep up, but most of the time I made a 3 day work week happen.  

I also choose to not work in the winters.  That’s been the case for the last two years.  I have done snow plowing/removal in the past, but decided not to more recently.  Another prioritization I made is to give more time to my writing. It’s a passion of mine, and something that I want to develop.  Therefore, I don’t really work from about December 1 to April 1. Weather plays its part in determining those exact dates, considering my work is landscaping…but it’s close to that.  I do find small jobs here and there when interested, or feel the need for more income. But for the most part, I focus a lot on reading, writing, exercising, etc. I’m also able to be home for my daughter each day at 2:30 or so, now that she’s in kindergarten.  

I’m leaving a lot of money on the table.  4 months of work could lead me to more money…for sure.  I certainly could work another job in the winter…and might if I feel the need.  It’s really important for me to be able to have that as a choice.  I recognize that some might think it’s wrong to work a three day week.  Some would never consider that as an option. ‘I work, so my child must to go to pre-school every week day,’ is something I could have said.  Some would think it’s crazy to focus on a whim like ‘writing’ and choosing not to work for the entire winter.  I understand that. I have simply valued other things over money.  I believe that time with my daughter, following my passions, abiding by my conscience, and living on my own terms are more meaningful than money.  At times, those things may have to shift a bit. I’m aware that I’ll have to shape and prioritize differently over time, and that those things don’t come free.  I can’t take them for granted. It takes hard work to manage it all. But right now, I’m willing and able.

 

When infants are born, they have a good amount of dependency.  Where as other mammals can somewhat detach from their parents early on, humans typically hold on to that attachment for quite a long time.  Where as a baby fawn can stand up and walk around the first day that it’s born, a human baby usually doesn’t walk for an entire year after birth.  On top of that though, humans seem to need love. When research was done because of the high mortality rates at orphanages, the literature suggested that even when babies are given the proper nutrition, if they are not touched, held, snuggled…they stop growing…they can even die.  Love seems to be at the heart of that necessity.  

We have an immense amount of social drive.  We crave connection to social groups, and we need to be nurtured in such a way early in life.  

My daughter was born an entire two months before her due date.  We were fortunate in that the hospital we chose to use for delivery was equipped with a state-of-the-art neonatal care unit.  They facilitated couplet care, in which the mother and father are able to stay at the hospital with the infant in the room, until the infant is ready to go home.  One practice I quickly learned from the nurses was that skin-to-skin contact would be crucial now…that the literature is clear how beneficial it is for the baby helping them grow more effectively…and that it builds a strong bond within the parent/child structure.  This is love…growing a child.  With this knowledge, as soon as I knew it was a time I could hold my daughter, I’d quickly take my shirt off, lay down on the bed, and the nurses would carefully place her on my chest (early on she was connected to oxygen, a feeding tube, a picc line, and monitors so it helped to have others move her).  We’d then cover her up, but also maintain that skin-to-skin contact. She was learning my smell, my voice, my breathing patterns, my personality, and my love. I’ll never forget the love and emotion that I felt during those times. It was a connection that I’d obviously never felt before. My daughter sprouted up through that phase real quick, and is a happy, healthy 5 year old now.  It’s easy to see how love played its part in that growth.

As we age, the actual necessity for love seems to fade.  We can live without it, although it’s not ideal.  We certainly can’t thrive without it. And part of our self-actualization seems to transfer from ‘needing to be loved by others’ to more of a ‘desire to give love to others’.  Now that a child has grown into an equipped adult, they are now in a position where they can give back and provide love to others.

Love isn’t perfect harmony…and only rainbows and butterflies.  Love between two individuals hopefully comes with the knowledge and awareness that each can benefit from the other’s perspective, and that challenging each other’s presuppositions (in a caring and loving way) will lead to the growth and potential reach of each person.  Love involves honesty and truth. And sometimes dealing with the truth isn’t easy. It’s challenging and arduous. It’s realizing that you aren’t everything you could be. But the awareness and effort and growth together leads to the absolute best version of both individuals.